It Hurts

       My body hurts.  I live in a constant state of pain.  I have fibromyalgia.  Have had it for a long time.  Long enough to have let it almost beat me, becoming so weak I could hardly stand on my own.  And long enough to have overcome its worst times, I've had babies and kept on living.  But still I hurt.  I get migraines.  Sciatica.  Charlie horses.  Muscle spasms.  
        My back, shoulders and neck feel like they are on fire.  A hot but dull aching thud of pain that never goes away.  It's a rare day that I am not hurting. Nerve pain is the worst.  Nothing can touch it. I have carpal tunnel in both wrists, degenerative joint disorder and barely any cartilage left in my right knee.  Something pops every time I bend it and sometimes, quite often actually it gives out on me.  I'm not sure, but I think that my rotator cuff may be damaged. I faced cancer. And still  I rose!  
        I know that God wouldn't give me anything that I can't handle but I don't want to hurt for the rest of my life.  I'm sick of the pain.  I want to be free from it.  The only time I forget how much I hurt is when I'm sleeping, and getting to sleep takes work trying to find a comfortable way to lay.  I've already had one surgery on my right arm for carpal tunnel, I don't think it worked.  I work too hard.  I want to quit.  If I could curl up in a little ball and die that way weeping silent tears for my screaming pain, I would.  

THESE THOUGHTS IN MY HEAD, THESE WORDS IN MY SOUL, TAKE THEIR TOLL.
I'M ONLY LONELY WHEN I'M WITH YOU.
I WONDER HOW PRETTY MY WINGS ARE.
ALMOST THERE.

Of Course She Missed The Bus!

        My baby, bless her little heart.  She woke to a bad dream this morning.  The sun had glowing red eyes and they turned really hot and killed all the peoples in the world.  Invader Zim was playing on her tv too, so I tried to explain to her that her little bitty baby brain had somehow picked up on the theme playing on the tv while she slept but she wasn't tryin to hear that mess.
       And of course she missed the bus because it was already 7:47 when her dear momma saved her from the bad dreams, being unable save herself from the dreaded snooze button.  I keep oversleeping and it's pissing me off.  She didn't miss breakfast, or need a note as far as I know, but she was late nonetheless.  I try really hard not to have them late for school.  I feel like a Charmaine when i do, even though I have yet to reach her levels of tardiness for kids.  
       So I drop off the girls, Muffin after Nonna of course because Nonna needs to be there BY a certain time.  And I start down the hill towards town to get my morning coffee from the Spirit station and what do I see?  A big white sign outside the Mercantile that says WIC Today!  Well shit.  I remembered last night there was WIC this morning, but I forgot that just like I forget to get my ass up when the alarm goes off.  So I call the school and tell them I gotta come get Muffin again so they can do her height and weight, fly home to grab my purse and pull my hair up (I dropped them off lookin like who dunnit and what for) and go back to get the baby.
      Shout out to the staff.  They had her ready to go with me and had even packed her a little breakfast for the road.  We made it to WIC by our scheduled appointment time, so at least I'm 1-1 this morning.  I got my vouchers, she ate her eggs and toast like a little beast, and we went back to school.  Now I got my coffee finally and I can maybe wake up.  Here's hopin.

A Little Bit Of Truth

Here's a little truth, I feel like a robot.  I feel like I've lost myself in the mix of my life.  I have no hobbies, no interests, nothing makes me happy.  I feel emptiness inside.  I don't know what I want so I don't know how to fix myself, or even that anything is wrong.  I just feel like it hurts more that it helps anymore.  I don't wanna be a momma, a waitress, a wife.  I don't wanna be anything.  I wish I could cease to exist.  I wish that I had never existed.  I am not feeling suicidal or anything.  I just feel blah.  I can't remember the last time I wasn't tired,  I want to take back all the times I wanted to skip nap time as a kid.  I want to go back to being a child, with no worries or responsibilities.  A child who doesn't make it into adulthood and never has to deal with life.  Is this it for me?  I know its not.  But really, I don't want any more.  I just don't feel like it.

Another beautiful day in the hood and I'm gonna spend most of it at work.  Gotta get my nails did this morning though so thats cool.  Got the girls up for school this morning earlier than usual.  Felt good being as I usually don't give Dai more than 20 minutes to get up, ready, and out the door.  It's a long way from being supermom status but damn it, I feel an accomplishment in it.  I really can't fault myself too much in the mommy department. And I know that like my own mother and her mother before her, I am not perfect but I do my best with what I got.  I'm gonna go to work like a champ today with my hustle face on and get them dollas.  Tomorrow is friday and I'm so damned glad.
                                                         YaYa

Well Shit...What Now?

I've gone and made another blog.  But I don't know why or what I'll put in it.  Over flow I guess.